Made me laugh

[happy days]

My favourite Tommy Cooper gag. Doctor, can you give me something for wind? So the doctor gave me a kite...

[Taz]

Here's a few more ...


I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on .

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny,you couldn't swing a cat in there!

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then ?"

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

[happy days]