Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

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Dandock
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Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Dandock » Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:13 pm

For those who don’t take or have access to the ST here’s Clarkson’s review of the Macan Turbo from last Sunday. Clearly still a big Porsche fanboy. :roll:


When it’s finished, my new house will be a magnificent stone edifice on a hill. It will have Georgian proportions, an elegant roof line, big sash windows and high-ceilinged rooms where I could get about on a pogo stick without banging my head. The views are fairly spectacular too.

I’m watching it rise majestically out of the ground as we speak and, while it’s exciting, I have an issue. Because while it will appear to be a handsome honey-coloured block of solid four-square splendour, I’ll know that behind the Cotswoldy masonry and the delicate cornicing, the inner walls are made from breeze blocks and the whole thing is held together by RSJs.

Of course this keeps costs down to the point where they are merely eye-watering, and it means I can have much bigger rooms than would ordinarily be possible. Also, I like a steel frame. Steel is a material you can trust, whereas cement is flaky and weak. You don’t make a tank out of cement.

Despite all this, I’ll always know that I’ve created a fake, that my house is not what it appears to be. The corridors will not echo to the ghosts of Victorian children playing tag. There’ll be no sense that Gordon Jackson ever worked in the back kitchen. Or that now-extinct sheep breeds ever came inside to shelter from the fearsome hilltop winds. I grew up in an old house that felt old. My new one will simply look it and I wonder how that might sit inmy head.

To get an idea, I’ve just spent a week in the new Porsche Macan Turbo. Yes, I know, all Porsche Macans are turbos. But this is the turbo Turbo. It doesn’t have a turbo to keep Greta Thunberg happy. It has a turbo — two in fact — to make it fast.


They’re blowers that sit on top of the 2.9-litre V6 engine and they’re little and free-spinning so they can spool up quickly and do stuff that would make Ms Thunberg very angry. Mind you, this is no great feat.

The end result is a car that, on paper, is pretty fast. But in the real world it isn’t. It doesn’t feel that much faster than the ordinary non-Turbo turbo. Maybethis has something to do withthe epic four-wheel-drive system or the wonderful steeringor the clever optional electronic drive aid package, but the power and the speed never felt as terrifying as the stopwatchwould suggest.

I’d actually call the performance “perfect”. It sets off just fast enough for your passenger to nod sagely and make appreciative noises, but from behind the wheel you never feel as if you’re dancing with the devil on an icy precipice of death. It’s just a bloody good, quick car with bloody good brakes.

It also has a good interior. Unusually for an MPV, you sit quite low down, and after you’ve spent 10 minutes moving the super-slow-motion electronically adjusted steering wheel to the right place, the driving position is perfect. So is the gearlever. Unlike almost all other cars these days, it lets you just put it in D and go. You don’t have to do a magic trick with your left hand and tap your nose three times before it’ll set off. BMW could learn a lot from this old-fashioned approach.

However, while the car is ready to go, you’re not, because next to your left thigh, at the bottom of a bank of buttons four miles long, is a new, optional, one. To understand what it might do, you reach for your reading glasses, which reveal an unusual symbol. It’s not one you’ve seen before.It’s a stylised man having what appear to be billiard balls thrown at his face.

You do not want this to happen, so you visit YouTube, where someone has made a video explaining everything. Someone has always made a video explaining everything. Usually his name is James May. And you discover that, when pressed, the button causes the air coming into the car to be ionised.

Quick question on that. If it’s a good thing to breathe ionised air — and we have to assume it is — why would they fit a button that allows you to turn the system off? “Today, kids, let’s breathe some diesel exhaust fumes instead.”

Naturally, there is also a button that makes the car noisier. I left that alone. And several that make it more uncomfortable. I left those alone too. I did play with the heater, though, and quickly worked out that it wasn’t very good. “Warm” was a concept it didn’t understand. It just did “hot” or “freezing”.

Other issues? Well, they’ve fitted a type of USB port that means you’ll have to buy a new cable. And it had a collision avoidance system that I think was designed by my mother. It needed only to spot a snowdrop wiggling gently in the breeze three miles away and it would jam on the brakes. It was alarming and I should like very much to send the man who set it up to prison.

These things aside, though, I liked being in the Macan “actual” Turbo and I liked driving it too. I also liked coming out of the house in the morning to find it sitting there. It was handsome. Maybe the engine could be a bit more charismatic and maybe there could be a bit more space in the back and the boot, but, all things considered, it’s a very nice car.

Except for one thing. It’s not a Porsche. It sits on the exact same underpinnings that propped up the old Audi Q5. And I don’t mean the last one. I mean the one before that. This is a car that was designed to compete with the Humber Super Snipe.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that because the engineering on this car was done during the time of Helmut Kohl, all the costs would have beenmet by now. I’m sure they have, in fact. So on that basis Porsche could sell the Macan for supermarket prices and still make a buck. But it doesn’t. My test car had a price tag of £86,000, and if you go mad with the extras, you can get the price up beyond £100,000.

Maybe it’s my Yorkshire upbringing but I don’t think I could cope with that. It turns out that I don’t mind driving an ancient Audi dressed up as a 2020 Porsche. That’s fine. It works very well. And that’s a relief because it means I’ll be happy in my steel-framed Georgian house. I do mind, however, paying Porsche prices for something that isn’t the real deal.
VG Petrol S http://www.porsche-code.com/PHIVCQU7           And a GT3 RS... by Lego! Not crash-tested! 😀

Kennst4s
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Kennst4s » Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:20 pm

Thanks for sharing
Kenn

Dandock
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Dandock » Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:29 pm

Kennst4s wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:20 pm
Thanks for sharing
Kenn
👍 Meant to do it Sunday but got sidetracked 😳
VG Petrol S http://www.porsche-code.com/PHIVCQU7           And a GT3 RS... by Lego! Not crash-tested! 😀

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Pivot
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Pivot » Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:48 pm

Good read, however, I find it mildly disturbing that I actually agree with Clarkson 😜
Macan S gen II, BMW RnineT

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putt4par
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by putt4par » Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:31 am

Very interesting read, Clarkson certainly has a way with words!

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Wing Commander
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Wing Commander » Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:02 am

Entertaining, but I’d rather read a review by a real motoring journalist, who actually knows his stuff, like Henry Catchpole. JC has now become something of an acquired taste, but yes Mike, thanks for sharing. :)
Simon

Sold: 2016 Rhodium Silver Macan 2.0
Sold: 2013 Platinum Silver 911 (991.1) C2
Sold: 2017 Carmine Red Panamera 4
Mine: 991.2 Carrera T Racing Yellow http://www.porsche-code.com/PJCIIPK4

Dandock
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Dandock » Wed Mar 25, 2020 9:57 am

Wing Commander wrote:
Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:02 am
Entertaining, but I’d rather read a review by a real motoring journalist, who actually knows his stuff, like Henry Catchpole. JC has now become something of an acquired taste, but yes Mike, thanks for sharing. :)
Entertaining, but little else. I posted principally for everyone’s amusement albeit I was interested to discover if any of the issues he raised either hit a nerve or resonated. But very predictable. Once he started on his old house - new house route it was obvious where he was heading. Even if it wasn’t all strictly true.
VG Petrol S http://www.porsche-code.com/PHIVCQU7           And a GT3 RS... by Lego! Not crash-tested! 😀

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SAC1
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by SAC1 » Wed Mar 25, 2020 10:22 am

On order 2020 model GTS in Sapphire for April delivery.
Current 2017 SD in Rhodium Silver.

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Paul
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Paul » Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:05 am

and something mildly serious and useful ...

1st Sapphire Blue SD
viewtopic.php?f=23&t=1986

Current Sapphire GTS
viewtopic.php?f=23&t=4296

Toddie
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Re: Another ‘glowing’ review from Clarkson

Post by Toddie » Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:47 pm

I’m surprised that Clarkson is capable of seeing anything these days his head is so far up his own rse that I am amazed he is still breathing.

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